Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
