party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm at about main and main street
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
