I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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