i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
