I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
