Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
we're so committed to being not committed
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
