and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
