just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
