she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
