i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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