wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
