Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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