The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
