I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
