I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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