Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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