we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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