Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
