based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So squirting runs in the family.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Randomize
