i was born a porn star she said
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
