I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
