Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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