Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
