we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
