meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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