so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You're a waste of cheezeits
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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