I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
