I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
