Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's shark week go big or go home
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
