I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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