I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
