fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
