i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
