I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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