Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
