plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
