He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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