it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We had to coat check the pizza.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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