I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
