I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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