there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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