You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Sober January is a disaster.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I think your dad took our porno
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
