At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
