dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
