i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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