We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
