He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Randomize
