I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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