I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You're like the curious george of whores
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
