come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
